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A Stroll Through The Mall.....On Christmas Eve!

It happened again. Every year I promise myself I will be completely finished with Christmas shopping by the 24th and every year I end up going out on Christmas Eve looking for at least a couple of gifts. But this year, I did something I thought I would never do; I went to the mall. Actually, I went to Town East Mall in Mesquite which, if you are familiar with the place, adds a whole new level of bat-crap crazy!



First of all, allow me to explain how I ended up going to hell on earth. I had been searching for a particular item for my beautiful bride online, however, when I found it, it couldn't be delivered in time. Therefore, I had to find a store that had the item in stock. Well, I found the item at two stores; one in Rockwall, which is about 20 miles away, and one in Town East Mall, which is much closer at about 2 miles away. I figured, why drive 20 miles to fight with crowds of lunatics when I can do it just down the street?




Back in the day, Town East was a pretty cool place. It was fun to go there with your friends and hang out, grab a giant piece of pepperoni pizza from "Sbarro" and spend a little money. But let me assure you of one thing, it is not that way anymore! Now you are just as likely to see the place on an episode of "Gangland" as you are Compton, California. There is a.......unique crowd that hangs out over there these days.


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There is also some... how do I say this nicely... FREAKS that work at the stores in there also. As I am walking through the mall, I spot this place that looks like it might have some "Fortnite" t-shirts for my son, so I step inside. I spot this kid using one of those long metal hooks to get a shirt down from a high hanger and walk over to him to ask him about the Fortnite shirts. Now as I am approaching him, I can only see his back, and people, when that kid turned around I physically jumped back and said "Damn!, What the hell happened to you?!?" This kid had black and white hair, red makeup all around his eyes, and about 6 bolts through his nose and eyebrows. He looked at me real funny and then I realized that what I had said, I had said out loud. I just turned around and walked away. Clearly that was not the place for my cranky ass to be shopping.


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I head on around the mall, people watching as I go, and I spot this ol' boy up ahead of me sitting at one of those kiosks that are set up around malls. This dude was dressed like Prince in "Purple Rain", complete with giant feather coming out of his hat. I had to go see what this pimp-daddy was selling. I was picturing fake Rolex's and Glass "diamond" rings. As I got close enough to see his little stand, I laughed my ass off right there in front of everybody. Snooky was selling Calendars with cute little animals on them!


I kept walking and ended up walking by the Santa Claus set up, where kids get to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. I came near the backstage part of the set up as a walked and saw "Santa" in this little area they had set up for him to take a break. The man looked like he was ready to lay in the floor and die. I think I heard him say "Please don't send me back out there!" One look at all the pissed off looking parents and the crying and screaming kids and I asked myself; how do they find people to do that job?



I found myself walking behind a woman that, honestly, actually looked like a busted can of biscuits. This poor woman, who was about 40 years old, had squeezed all her fluffiness into some clothes that stopped fitting her in junior high school. I could actually hear the spandex threads screaming "Don't let go!, Don't let go! Keep Fighting Men!". After a few minutes I had to turn and walk in a different direction because her butt cheeks suddenly started looking like they were fighting and I did not want to be called as a witness in that trial!

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Needless to say, I have, once again, promised myself that I will never be caught shopping on Christmas Eve ever again. I dang sure promise myself that I will never be in Town East, or any other, mall on Christmas Eve again. Next year.....if I don't have it before the 24th.....THEY AIN'T GETTIN IT!



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