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Daughter's First School Dance- Preparations Must Be Made

Updated: Feb 12


Apparently.... my precious middle child.....my baby girl.....my princess.....is set to attend her first "dance" at her school in the near future. It shall be noted that the only way I have come to possess this classified information, is because I heard my beautiful bride ask my princess if she had a dress she wanted to wear to the "dance", or if they needed to go shopping for one.


Uh-Huh.

They aren't the only ones that have shopping to do for this "dance", and I do not appreciate my bride not giving me plenty of notice in order for me to do my shopping. That was incredibly rude on her part. She's lucky she's fine!


I mean, let's face it, it takes time to look around and find just the right things to utilize on such a special occasion;

There are the hidden body cameras that need to be bought to perfectly match her attire.

The hidden microphones (in three different frequencies) that need to be obtained .

The OC/Pepper Spray wrist corsage has to be custom ordered.

We can't forget the electrical shock charges that need to be sewn into the dress, and my tactical seamstress is usually pretty busy this time of year.

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I have to hire the spies. I mean, finding good high school spies takes some time.

There's the GPS Trackers that must be special ordered.

Drone services need to be hired.

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I have to order the night-vision goggles.

The Bean-Bag Shotgun, which are hard to find sometimes, need to be acquired.

Drug Tests for a range of opioids, as well as Mary Jane, need time to get delivered.

Do they sell drug testing kits for cough syrup and Nyquil? Oh and let's not forget Benadryl (ya'll know Diphenhydramine is used to make meth right?)

Cartridges for my Taser will need to be ordered. This will take awhile because they are always behind on order fulfillment.

I will need time to conduct criminal history checks on every male tick-turd from the ages of 11-15 in grades 6th-9th.

Polygraph examination appointments will need to be set up for each of the tick-turds.

For those that are honest answering my specific questions, they will be dismissed and allowed to attend the dance; after their parents sign the consent form.

Those that fail; well let's just say there will need to be ample time set aside for me to help these tick-turds realize that they shouldn't lie.

I have to line up the "special" chaperones and donate them and their services to the school for use at the event (always wanna do my part for the school system). This will also take a little time because they will be coming in from overseas.

I have to buy treats for the 3 K-9's that I will have assigned there. One that can smell drugs, one that can smell firearms, and one that can smell horny teenagers.

And last, but not least, I have to obtain a warrant for the dump of the cell tower for the area of the school and the adjoining neighborhoods. (Although I may be able to fast-track this; I still have a copy from when her big sister had her first dance).

To be honest with you, I'm pretty proud of myself for handling this much better than I thought I would. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if Amazon sells chastity belts in her size.



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