Updated: Feb 20
We have two small dogs here at La Casa Black. Both of them together don't weigh as much as a pitcher of sweet tea; however, what they lack in size, they more than make up for with potency. There is not a dog alive anywhere on the planet that can out-fart these two.
Their given names are Teddy Bear (who we call Bear-Bears) and Pepper (who I call dumbass). I am about to start calling them both B-52 because of the nasty stink bombs they keep dropping on me!
How in the world two tiny little dogs like them can fuel and maintain their never-ending system of gas conversion on a daily basis just astounds me. They barely eat enough dog food to form a solid nugget, yet their highly specialized, and incredibly effective gas-producing systems operate without fail day after day.
How do I know these things? Because I nearly died this morning at the hands of them, that's why.
Somewhere, out there, hidden in my backyard lies the rotting remains of some kind of zombie-type mass of pure, unholy nastiness. My dogs have found it, and have been filling their ammunition stores with it. This is the only reasonable explanation of the satan-created-odor that eased it's way out of these two little assholes this morning.
I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business and sharpening my Angry Birds skills, when all of the sudden Bear-Bears jumps straight up from his nap on the ottoman, turns and looks at me like I had just smacked him on the head, and then he turns and jogs out of the living room.
Do you hear me people? The mutt JOGGED out of the room! He didn't stroll or take a normal leisurely walk, he actually jogged into the other room.
Just as he went around the corner, I swear he turned around and grinned at me. He knew what kind of evil was creeping it's way towards my nostrils. He knew!
Now, Pepper, the co-conspirator, she always lies on top of the back of the couch. You know...head level with me! Shortly after Bear-Bears made his escape, and right before his green cloud of death punched me in the face, I heard a faint little sound in the vicinity of where she was sitting. It was like a little squeak, or "peeew" sound.
Now people, if I'm lyin I'm dyin, but that dog looked at me, grinned and winked at me, and jumped off the couch and left.
The little assholes had conspired against me!
It was at about that time when I started asking myself why I was born.
At first I thought maybe the sewer pipes had exploded and backed up into my house. Then I thought a body had been hidden under the couch and had suddenly erupted like it had been sitting out in the heat all week.
Then....there was no thinking anymore.
I wasn't capable of thinking. My brain had shut down to try and save itself from the evil forces that had swamped my sinuses.
My eyes started watering, or I was crying, I'm not sure which. Then my throat started burning. My ears felt hot. My eyes suddenly crossed and wouldn't straighten back out.
I tried to get up and run, but my legs wouldn't work. I threw myself off the couch and into the floor to crawl to safety, but it was too late; it was on me!
Images so horrible I don't dare describe them on this family blog were flashing before my eyes. Images that included things like SPAM and inflamed hemorrhoids. My toes were sweating and I was drooling on myself.
Then, I must have blacked out.
I don't know how long I was out of it. I opened my eyes, which had finally straightened back out, and slowly started looking around the room. Everything was a little blurry, but I could make out some furniture and other familiar things. My throat was still burning, but my toes had dried out and my ears felt cooler.
I raised my head off the floor and turned to see both of those damned dogs sitting on the couch. When they finally came into focus, one of them shot me the paw, and the other one leaned over towards me and said... "Now run out of treats again and see what happens!"
I figured I must have bumped my head on the hard tile floor. It's the only thing that makes sense.
But just in case, I'm headed to Petco.