Fitted Sheets.....Just what in the hell!?
I consider myself to be among the semi-intelligent inhabitants of this planet. I mean, I'm certainly no Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, but I can tie my own shoes and open a cereal box without destroying it. I'm not the handiest man around either, but I can operate power tools and nail 2 boards together. So why can I not successfully place a freakin fitted sheet on a mattress?!?
I washed my Tooter-Man's sheets and pillow cases today, and when they were clean and dry, I grabbed them up and embarked on a journey to re-attach the aforementioned sheets to their rightful place on the boy's mattress. The place where they are happy; where they serve their purpose and provide one of mankind's most noble services.....to keep my baby boy's bubble butt nice and comfortable as he sleeps.
Little did I know the difficulties and perils that awaited me as I set out on my quest.
During my conquest, I faced not dragons or warlocks, nor trolls or beasts; the threats I faced were much more dangerous due to their unassuming and non-threatening appearance....I faced the notoriously evil bed frame and it's murderous accomplice, the book shelf.
For most people who find themselves in my position, they simply throw the fitted sheet across the bed, tuck under the corners and move on to the next sheet. I know this is true...I've seen it with my own eyes. However, as is often the case, it didn't quite go that smoothly for me. As a matter of fact, before this chore would be finished, it would involve the sheet, a roll of duct tape, a hammer, a bath towel, a bag of ice, and a frying pan.
As I mentioned before, I retrieved the sheets and pillow cases from the dryer and headed to Tooter-Man's room. As I walked into his room, I dropped all of them on the floor and reached down to pull the fitted sheet out of the pile, which became complicated because the sheet was now a tightly rolled up snake, wrapped up with all the other sheets. I untied everything and throw the sheet across the bed to spread it out. This is where the car wreck began.
First of all, how the hell are you supposed to know where the corners are? There are no corners! It's all one big corner with elastic around the entire thing. Anyway, I take part of the sheet, climb on the bed, and pull up the front corner of the mattress (which is up against the wall) and slide part of the sheet over the edge of the mattress. I let go of the mattress and pull the sheet to the other front corner and as I start to pull that corner up, the sheet flies off the first corner.
This scene plays out about 3 more times. In the exact same manner (What do they say about the definition of insanity.....doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?). I decided to try putting something heavy on the corner to hold the sheet in place. The only thing I could find at the time was a cast-iron frying pan. Didn't work.
Frustrated, I decide to try starting at the foot of the bed instead; at least on that end I can stand up and not have to kneel on the bed. So I snatch the sheet up and as I angrily move to the foot of the bed, my toe encounters the corner of the bed frame in what can only be described as the nuclear-damn-bomb of toe stumping!
To say it hurt would be a waste of words. My brain spun around inside my head. I lost my sight. I went deaf in my right ear. Snot flew from my nose. I farted and sneezed involuntarily at the same time, and all of this happened before I even hit the floor.
I think I might have pee'd my pants a little.
As I rolled around in the floor of my son's room, crying and wishing for death, I spun around to try and sit up and BAM! -hit my head on the corner of the bookshelf.
The impact knocked me into a fetal position. I've got one hand holding the destroyed remnants of my toe, and the other one holding my head when suddenly...BAM!- I'm hit in the top of the head with a hard plastic cup filled with water. Tooter-Man keeps a cup of water on top of his little bookshelf next to his bed every night....the same little bookshelf that I slammed my head into like 2 mountain goats ramming their heads together to decide who gets to mate with the hot little she-goat!
Not only did the damn cup knock me senseless, but now, on top of everything else, I'm soaking wet! I remember getting really mad and looked up thinking to myself "Lord.....stop laughing, it's NOT funny!"
After awhile, maybe....10 minutes.......or 3 hours, hell I don't know, I was finally able to sit up and gather myself. The left side of my head where I hit the corner of the bookshelf had stopped bleeding.....mostly. The knot on the top of my head where the cup landed was coming in nicely.
I mustered up the courage to look at my toe and, even though it was pointing a different direction from all the other ones, it was still there. That's when I noticed the puncture wound next to my toe where a nail had stabbed me. For reasons unknown to all of humanity, there was a nail partially sticking out of the leg of the bed frame in the exact place where I decided to kick the shit out of it.
I managed to get to my feet, well... what was left of them anyway, and limped to the garage. I got a hammer and some duct-tape and took them back to the room. Then I went into Tooter-Man's bathroom and yanked the towel off the bar to dry myself and the floor up.
After taking care of the nail, I utilized the duct-tape to keep the top corners of the sheet in place long enough for me to snap the other corners on. More than one way to skin a cat as they say.
Suddenly I became aware of the two dogs sitting in the doorway staring at me and cocking their heads back and forth. They were looking at me as if they were saying "And you call us dumb!"
I learned a couple lessons from this experience. First, put your shoes on before attempting to install fitted sheets. Second, Never try and install fitted sheets again.....EVER! Make your bride do it. And third, if you ever hit your head on the corner of a bookshelf....brace for the second impact!
I am happy to report that my son has clean sheets on his bed (including the fitted sheet). The swelling in my toe has gone down; it's only the size of a banana now. And my head is healing pretty good. My eyes have finally stopped involuntarily crossing and I only stutter once in awhile.
Now I'm going to sit here with an ice pack on my head and dream about having a housekeeper to do this stuff.
CHANGING BED SHEETS
Job details for my beautiful bride:
PLAN- Install fitted sheet on Tooter-Man's twin-size mattress.
TOOLS REQUIRED- None.
SAFETY EQUIPMENT REQUIRED- None.
TIME REQUIRED TO COMPLETE TASK: 60 Seconds.
Job details for my dumb ass:
PLAN- Install fitted sheet on Tooter-Man's twin-size mattress.
TOOLS REQUIRED- Hammer and Duct Tape.
SAFETY EQUIPMENT REQUIRED- Hardhat, Bath Towel, and Steel-Toed Boots.
TIME REQUIRED TO COMPLETE TASK: 27 Minutes.