• Police Dad

Positives and Negatives

Everyone asks me how I'm doing with my beautiful bride out of town during the week and me being here alone with the little shi...I mean little children, and the truth is, there are a lot of positives to the situation.....and a few negatives. Since I am asked a lot, I thought I would outline some of them for you.

POSITIVES....Pluses.....Benefits.....Win Column

  • First and foremost.....the weekend conjugal visits!

  • Nobody telling me to stop clipping my toenails with the kitchen shears.

  • The toilet seat stays up.

  • No competition for the thermostat.

  • I can keep fish bait in the fridge if I so choose.

  • Nekkid channels.

  • Science experiments with her bath bombs. (Do NOT mix them with Coca Cola!)

  • Getting to sleep 4 nights a week without her frozen butterball turkey butt stuck to me.

  • Doing all the grocery shopping on just 2 isles of the store.

  • Setting up hidden surprises for her for when she comes home.

  • $exting! (Brown Chicken Brown Cow)

NEGATIVES....Bummers.....Drawbacks.....Loser's Bracket

  • Taking care of these spoiled ass miniature versions of her. (Freakin kids think they should eat EVERY day!)

  • Lack of daily conjugal visits.

  • Laundry.

  • Nobody to find me if I pass out on the toilet.

  • No back-up if these kids decide to take me out.

  • My cooking (or lack thereof).

  • Laundry.

  • I actually have to speak to people.

  • Nobody to laugh at my dad jokes. (Kids just roll their eyes)

  • Hand cramps. (Nuf said, LOL)

  • Laundry.

But in spite of all the negatives, I always find ways to keep my mind occupied, and I take advantage of my time alone to never stop learning. But most importantly, I try to have a little fun every now and then. For instance:

  • Two of our neighbors think my bride is in jail and only gets out on the weekends.

  • I swapped out the contents of a few jars of her baking stuff.

  • I've found handy uses for a few of my power tools in the kitchen.

  • I used my label maker to label all her bras "Skinny Times", "Happy Times" and "HALLELUJAH!".

  • I pre-peeled all the potatoes in the pantry to save time. She'll be happy!

  • I now know the absolute MAXIMUM amount of soap you can put in the dishwasher and not have it flood the kitchen.

  • Sometime in the not too distant future, a rubber mouse will come into my wife's life.

  • I now know the absolute MAXIMUM amount of soap you can put in the washer and not have it flood the laundry room.

  • I WD-40'd all the door hinges in the house.

  • I now know the absolute MAXIMUM amount of clothes you can fit in the dryer and not have it keep kicking the door open.

  • I learned that WD-40 washes black stuff out of the door hinges and it runs down the doors...the all white doors.

  • I poured my daughter's shampoo into the conditioner bottle and vice-versa. Now we wait.

  • I had always wondered if you could really make a grilled cheese sandwich using a clothes iron like the 3 Stooges did.... You can't. The little steam button screws it all up. Well, that and the cheese. (Anybody know how to get burned cheese stains out of a bath towel?)

  • I learned that you cannot quickly dry your son's shirt in the microwave.

  • I learned that you shouldn't vacuum coins out of the coin jug with the wife's Dyson vacuum cleaner. (Use your shop-vac)

  • I learned that you can't put orange juice in the scented oil misting thing and make the house smell like oranges.

So as you can see, I do alright at staying busy and getting things done around the house during the week. I'm learning a lot of new things, and I haven't permanently disfigured myself yet. I think I've done dang good with the two offspring, I haven't lost one of them or you know, carried out my threat of tying them to the back fence and letting the coyotes eat them. But please, don't stop praying for me. I need all the help I can get!

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