• Police Dad

Skinny Little Massage Therapist Hurt Me Bad!

I think my bride is trying to show me who's boss. Not that she has to, mind you, I have lived long enough to learn that women are always in control, even when we don't think they are. Men, I know a few of you are shaking your head and mumbling under your breath ... "not in my house!"; yeah, okay.

Trust me, they are in control at all times! If you pay close attention to the things your wife does, you will soon start seeing that they are always reminding you, in subtle little ways, who the top dog is. Sometimes, they remind you in not-so-subtle ways. I will give you a perfect example.

My beautiful bride surprised me and told me that she had arranged for me to get a massage on Saturday. Lately, I have been fighting some pretty bad stress knots in my shoulders, and that punk Arther has been doing some kickboxing practice on my spine. You may know Arther...he's the worst of Mrs. Itis's boys and he's a real jerk.

So I drove over there and walked inside. There were three nice ladies working in there. They were busy talking about their new uniforms, so I just sat down and started reading a pamphlet that was sitting on the table entitled "75 ways to make bail".

There was a particularly mean looking girl at the counter with dark, curly hair and a scar on her cheek, probably from a bar fight, and she hands me a clipboard with a page of questions to fill out. You know, the standard stuff for a massage; What problems are you having?, On what areas of your body do you want the therapist to concentrate?, Are you a cop? Are you wired?, the normal stuff.

After I finish the interrogation, she takes me down the hall and into a room with two massage tables inside. I asked her if I was having company, and after she assured me that I was going to be the only client (her words, not mine), she told me to get nekkid and climb under the sheet face down. She may have said get undressed down to my comfort level, but I heard "get nekkid".

She then left and I did as I was told.

This entire time, I was thinking how blessed I was to have a gorgeous bride that loves me and cares about me enough to want to make me feel better; loves me enough to want to pay someone to help me de-stress and get the knots out of my shoulders and back.

Yep, that's what I was thinking... until that mean-ass little skinny massage therapist walked in and went all Chuck Norris on my exposed ass!

This little woman went to work on me like I was a fat kid who stole her pudding cups. She must have been an ex-WWE wrestler. I think she actually jumped off a chair and landed on my back with an elbow drop at one point! I was caught off guard and was helpless to defend myself.

At some point, she whipped out a jar of ice-cold lotion and slapped a big handful of it down on my shoulders like she was mad. Then all I could feel was some tiny little knuckles trying to touch the table through my body! The little witch was trying to put an actual hole through my back, past my intestines, and through my stomach to get to the table! I don't know if I was lying on her keys or something and she wanted to get them without me moving off the table or what, but she was trying to kill me.

I must have wronged this little lady in a past life in some way, they way she was treating me, it must've been really bad too, like, I must have beat up her grandmother or something! Then I started wondering if I had arrested her in the past, or maybe stole her first born child, but I didn't recognize her.

I think about half-way through this torture session, she pulled out a handheld auger of some type and was drilling down into my spine like she was hoping to strike oil. If she had been a little lower she would have struck gas I know that much!

After about 12 hours of this beating, she finally showed me mercy and said she was finished. I looked at her and tried to speak through the tears, but the words wouldn't come out. I just nodded, hoping like hell she wouldn't take offense and start in on me again.

As she was walking out the door I'm not sure, but I think I heard her say "Now get your clothes on and get the hell out of here wimp" , or something to that effect.

As I hobbled to my truck looking like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I started figuring it out; my bride had set me up to show me she's still in charge even though she is gone during the week! That had to be it! I think I remember smiling at a woman last weekend at the store who was extremely....huh-hmmm.....healthy, and I thought I caught a look from my bride at the time. I had actually been dumb enough to think I had gotten away with it! She had simply bided her time, and plotted against me, and I fell for it!

She got me good!

I can barely move my arms to type out this post; I had to crawl from the bed to the office this morning; and I don't think my spleen is working anymore. To top it off, my bride just walked by smiling at me.

Gentlemen, if your wife ever sets you up a "massage" out of the blue, for no reason, think....THINK HARD MAN! Have you done something, anything, in the last 6 months to a year, that she could be wanting to cause harm to your body for? If there is the slightest, hint of anything there......don't do it!!

To the little skinny woman who carried out my wife's plan....I hope you get sabre-toothed-crotch-crickets!!!!

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