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That Just Makes My Butt Itch!

Have you ever had a craving for something and just couldn't get it satisfied? I don't mean a craving for an hour or two, I mean a craving that takes over your body for days, or even weeks, and no matter how hard you try to find what you need, there is always some reason that you just can't. Well welcome to my world.

I have been wanting....NO needing, some tamales from a place in the small town I used to live in. They just make the best tamales; maybe not for everyone, but to me they are the best. The cravings have ramped up even more now that Christmas is near because down here in Texas, tamales and Baby Jesus' Birthday go hand in hand. I don't get down to Wills Point, Texas much anymore so when we do make the drive I like to stop in at Luna's Tamales and grab a dozen or two. You can find Luna's just passed the automotive shop on a small side street off of Highway 80, across from the Chevy dealership. Can't miss it.


A couple of weeks ago, my bride and I were down in the WP and my mouth was watering for some beautiful, steaming, pork tamales and some of their homemade hot sauce......Mercy! We pull up to the drive-thru and the young lady slides open the window, "Hello, what can I get for you?" I need two dozen pork tamales please, I said, smiling like a fat kid who is about to get a chocolate dipped cone from Dairy Queen. "Oh I am so sorry, we are out of tamales".


Crickets...................................... "Ma'am?"


"I am sorry, we ran out"

"Ma'am?"

"I'm so sorry"

"You don't have ANY tamales?"

"No sir, we ran out"

"But......you are open? Why is your TAMALE business open if you are out of tamales?"

"Well we have some tacos and stuff"

"But.........(as a tear slowly slides down my cheek)....never mind." and I drive away a crushed man.


Fast forward to yesterday. I had been looking forward to this day ever since the day we had driven away from the no-tamale-having-tamale-business. Our family Christmas gathering at the grand-parents house in Wills Point.....just around the corner from the tamale shop! As we are coming into town my beautiful bride tells me we better get them early before they run out again....I married me a thinkin woman. So straight to Luna's we go.


I pull up in the parking lot and they are doing a booming business. Cars in the drive-thru all the way around the building and cars parked in the grass lot next door. My better half decides she will just go inside and get them so we don't have to wait very long and I pull over to the side. I can taste the spices and the pork. I can smell the scent of the Masa and corn husks as they steam. I wonder if the hot sauce is going to be really hot this time or just mild... doesn't matter it will be heaven either way.


And then I see her.


I can see my gorgeous bride walking toward the car and I can see that both of her hands are empty. I can see the look of dread on her face. It looks like she is about to tell me she crashed my truck. I start sweating........my hands start shaking a little bit......I think I got fever......I can feel salty tears welling up in the corners of my eyes...


She opens the car door and suddenly everything is going in slow motion...

They'rrrrrre....ooouuutttttt.......oofffff.....taaaamaleeeeeeeessss.......!


Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not going to write in here what came out of my mouth next in detail; suffice it to say I got a little twisted. How the hell do you run a successful tamale business and never have any tamales? It's the week of Christmas.....and you don't have any tamales to sell at your TAMALE shop!?! What the hell.......am I living a FAR SIDE Cartoon?!?!?


So as you have garnered by now, no tamales, pork or otherwise, have passed my lips and here we are three days before Christmas. I am not happy about this absolute absurdness, however, through my despair I am very impressed about one thing...


Somewhere in Wills Point, Texas is a business person who is running a successful tamale business without ever having any tamales......that should be impressive to anybody!


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