• Police Dad

The Gopher Wars Rage On!

I have always taken pride in myself for speaking the truth about what is on my mind, and even though it is very difficult sometimes, I always try to be man enough to say the bad, along with the good. So here goes...

These gophers are kicking my butt!

They are embarrassing me!

They are laughing at me!

When I go out for battle and set a trap in a freshly dug hole, do they fall for it? NO! They just dig a new hole right beside the trap and flip me the gopher finger!

I've got to where I am scared to even pick up the traps because I'm afraid they have rigged them to go off on me.

You should see me out there on my hands and knees examining the traps I set the day before like I'm a bomb squad officer looking for the right wires to cut.

I accidentally let it slip to my bride that I was going to Academy to buy some Tannerite and I was going to blast their furry little asses out of the ground.

I have been banned from Academy until I get rid of the gophers.

(Psst, does anybody know who else sells Tannerite?)

On a separate issue, yesterday I drove 874 miles, made a man almost cry, probably made another guy quit his job, and dusted off my angry vocabulary, all to spend $71.00 on a Playstation 4 Controller for the Tooterman.

So Tooter was begging his sister to play with him and of course, she didn't want to because she was busy pacing back and forth in her room. Overhearing this conversation, I learned that the baby's PS4 Controller had broken and would not charge. I asked him how long it had been broken and he said 2 days, so I asked him why he didn't tell me or his Mom that it was broken. The answer came in the form of the universal shrug of the shoulders. I think he was afraid he would get in trouble and the look on his face broke my heart.

No problem! Daddy will just run up to Walmart and grab a new controller.


Walmart #1....."No sir we can't keep them in stock and there is no timetable for when we will get some more in".

Walmart #2..... "No sir we can't keep them in stock and there is no timetable for when we will get some more in".

Gamestop..... (This is where the guy probably quit his job) I run in to the store, which is in the mall, and get happy because there are 8 boxes of PS4 controllers hanging on the rack with a sign that says "Take box to counter for product". I grab the box of the controller I want and go to the counter where I wait.....and wait.....and wait......finally, this nerd comes out of the backroom and walks over to where I am at. No apology for keeping me waiting. No explanation why there was no employee anywhere in the store for almost 10 minutes. He just walks up and says "we're out of those dude".

Now people, I have mellowed out as I have gotten older. I have chilled out, become more tolerable of people........ Oh who am I kidding, I said "Well, DUDE, why the hell do you have 8 boxes hanging on the wall if you are out of them? "Why does your damned website say you have some in stock, DUDE?" "Did all your loser ass, cheeto-eating, zit-faced buddies buy them all up DUDE? (Okay I didn't say the last one, but I did briefly consider it!) Anyway, after we had a short discussion about how to address a customer, and how to use deodorant, I left without a controller.

Best Buy telephone call .....

Me: Hey do y'all have any PS4 controllers in stock?

BB Douchebag: Uhhh, yeah it says we have 7 of them in stock.

Me: Awesome! I am on my way.

BB Douchebag: Okay. Have a great day.

Best Buy..... As I'm walking up to the door.....

BB Douchebag #2: Excuse me sir, but we aren't allowing people to shop in the store unless they make an appointment.

Me: .......................................................What?

BB Douchebag #2: You have to have an appointment to shop in the store, but you can buy online and then come and pick it up.

Me: .......................................................What?

BB Douchebag #2: I'm sorry.

Me: I just got off the phone with someone here and they didn't say anything about this AND I told him I was on my way up here!?!?

BB Douchebag #2: I'm sorry.

Me: Dude (haha) All I need is a freakin PS4 controller. Surely I can wait here and someone can run and grab me one right?

BB Douchebag #2: I'm sorry we can't do that.

Me: So let me get this straight. I can go back to my truck. Get online on my phone. Buy the damn controller. And walk back over here and wait while someone walks 30-feet inside and picks up the controller and brings it out here, BUT, you can't do that while I stand here and let me just pay you on that machine right there??

BB Douchebag #2: It doesn't make sense to me either sir.

Me: (Leaving while shaking my head and cursing under my breath.)

Target.....No sir we can't keep them in stock and there is no timetable for when we will get some more in.

Me: Are you kin to the 2 guys at the Walmart stores?

Target lady: Huh?

Me: Nothing. Your website says you have some in stock. Why would it say that if you don't have any?

Target Lady: I don't know because we haven't had any in about 4 days.

Me: Hey, do Chip and Joanna Gaines ever come in and actually sell their stuff here?

Target Lady: Who?

Me: Nevermind.

So anyway, by this time my boiling point has been reached, so I have my bride order one online at Best Buy and I go back there and get it. The guy that brings it out to my car looks up and realizes it's me again and I actually saw his heart fall to his feet as he walked that last 20 steps to my truck.

The Tooterman now has a working controller and he is happy.

But he's not as happy as his sister is!

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