• Police Dad

The Morning Routine...

As a temporary single parent, my mornings can be pretty hectic sometimes. There are those mornings when I seriously consider sneaking out the bedroom window and heading south, and there are those mornings when my babies are all about Daddy which starts my day off on a great note. But no matter which side of the bed I fall out of, every single weekday morning, rain or shine, cold or hot, well or sick, I am forced to go through that time-tested ritual so lovingly called "getting the kids ready for school".

But before I get started.....

To my Mother......I am so sorry for what I put you through for 12 years. With 3 boys to get ready every morning, you are a saint and I want to thank you for not killing me.

So I thought I'd give y'all a snapshot of a morning last week....enjoy!

ME- Good morning Tooterman, did you have good sleepy-time?

Tooter- Uh-Huh.

ME- Go ahead and get ready for school okay, and you have to wear pants today because it's going to be cold. Don't get on your iPad until you are ready for school okay?

Tooter- Uh-Huh.

3 1/2 minutes later... I walk in the living room and the boy is in shorts, no shoes, and on his iPad eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Bunny.

ME- SON! What did Daddy tell you?? You are not ready for school, you are not supposed to be on your iPad, and you can't have a Reese's for breakfast! Now go get some long pants on, get your shoes on, and............ finish that Reese's!

Tooter- Yes sir.

10 seconds later he comes back out of his room...

Tooter- Daddy, what did you tell me to do after finish my Reeses?

ME- Wondering why I ever thought sex was a good idea after 30. Baby boy, put some... Oh never mind I will come in there!

ME- Here son, put on these pants and I will find you a shirt...

ME- Digging under piles of dirty clothes, toys, and candy wrappers looking for a shirt that looks halfway clean and giving them all the smell test......which they all flunk!

ME- AHA! I found a clean one Bubba; put thi......SON! Take the pants off and turn them right-side-out!

5 frustrating minutes later after finally getting clothes on the boy.

ME- Bring Daddy your packpack (he always called a backpack a "packpack" when he was going to daycare, so we still call it that) so I can sign off on your folder (and dig out the soggy banana peels and whatever Pokemon cards you swindled some kid out of).

Tooter- (Dragging his backpack into the office...) I was on green all day, but then I went to yellow cause I Mrs. Parker doesn't like me, but then I went back to green.....sooo, it should be green. (he say's, about as sure as I am that I can fly a Boeing 747).

ME- (Opening the folder and thinking about how mad I am going to pretend to be) Boy you should have never said anything, you got a green smile-face! I would've never......(SHIT! I'm sitting here teaching my son how to be deceptive! How bad a parent can I be?!? Stupid Stupid Stupid!) I mean, you did good telling Daddy about being put on yellow buddy, but let's try to stay on green today, alright?

Tooter- Yes sir.

Moving my focus to the girl child...

ME- PRINCESSSSSS!, are you ready for school?

Princess Doodlebug- (Growling from her room...) Yesss, I think it's utterly ridiculous that we have to wake up this early to go to school EVERY DAY! It's not right!

ME- Yep, the world sucks and doesn't like you; finish getting ready and watch for your brother's bus.

Princess Doodlebug- (Unintelligible growling...) Alright. Alright.

ME- What?

Princess Doodlebug- Yes Sir.

Then, I take a few minutes for my morning routine:

  • Go to the bathroom. (#1, cause if it was #2, then my morning is shot for the next 45 minutes)

  • Let the crack-head dogs back in after their morning staff meeting in the backyard.

  • Give the crack-head dogs their treats (because they know they get them when they come back inside, and if you don't give them one they will harass you like a bill collector you cussed out until you do!)

  • Make the bed.

  • Finish my game of Angry Birds 2.

  • Yell at the crack-head dogs.

  • Yell at the Angry Birds game.

  • Start my rounds to make sure the house is in "show-ready" condition.

Princess Doodlebug- (From her room) BUS IS AT THE CORNER!

ME and Tooterman together- BUS IS AT THE CORNER!

I get the boy on the bus, then head in for my shower and....if it's a good day,...a good ol' #2! Somewhere in there, I kiss Princess Doodlebug, ask her if she has her school ID (because I don't want to make a 243rd trip up there to take it to her), and tell her to have a nice day, because I am usually in the shower when her bus comes.

And that, my friends, is the start of my day......every weekday.......every. single. one.

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