• Police Dad

To My Beautiful Bride....I Had Good Intentions.

So, just to get everybody up to speed on my situation, this is currently my life:

My bride got an amazing new job in a city that's about 2 hours away. We want to sell our house before we buy a new one in that town, and our spawn are still in school here.

So to make a long story a little shorter; I am staying at the house with the kids during the week, and she is staying down there. As you should know by now, I am retired and attending college online. This means that when the short people are at school, I am at home by myself during the day. Well, me and these 2 worthless heathens we call our dogs.

Now, those that know me, know that my being alone for long periods of time usually ends up with me being in trouble for one thing or another.

But usually, my intentions are good. I try to use my powers for good, even though I'm not out chasing bad guys anymore.

But... today for instance.....things don't really work out like I had them pictured in my mind.


I worked on my Nutrition/Diet Therapy class for about 3 hours this morning before I worked up a mad and had to quit. By the way, if nobody has told you lately, allow me... NUTRITION/DIET THERAPY SUCKS!

Anyway, once I was finished learning about mucous membranes, irritable bowel syndrome, and cyclic vomiting syndrome,

I was about ready for a fresh perspective on life, so I made the decision that I was finally going to reach for the stars. I decided I needed to accomplish a long time goal of mine. A goal that has only been deprived from me by the extreme conditions, the incredibly difficult logistics, and my own fear. A goal that has kept me up at night for far too long dreaming of the day I would stand on that mountain in victory! I was going to...

I was going to clean out the freezers!

Our freezers were so full of crap, we had no clue what was in either one of them. I would open the door to the freezer in the garage and I swear I think I heard a seal barking somewhere in the back. The doors would hardly close! We haven't been able to shop in the frozen food section since Tooter-Man was 4-years old!

People, I could have stocked a frozen food museum with the antiques that I pulled out of those freezers. If I'm lyin I'm dyin! I found full-grown frozen chickens inside that were eggs when we put them in there! There were some things in those freezers that we bought before the government required nutrition labels on food! I was scared to death I was going to find one of those hairy elephants back in there somewhere.

I found 2 boxes of pie crust dough down in the bottom that expired in April of 2013! I found a package of hamburger meat so old that it had petrified. There was even a box of frozen waffles in there and the flavor was "Biscuit Dough". WTH!?! Ain't gotta worry about telling me to "Leggo My Eggo" cause that stuff was older than Bernie Sanders.

Now, my intention was just to throw out a few old items and organize them a little bit, but I may have gotten a little carried away. Okay so here's the deal... (and this is the part my beautiful bride is gonna care about)....our freezers are empty. I mean like, naked empty. Bone dry. Like, stuff-she-bought-last-week-didn't-even-happen empty. I'm talking about the-bus-seat-next-to-Hillary-Clinton empty!

Oh and can stop wondering what happened to that cat that came around a few years ago. I found it. Poor thing had been eating pop-sickles and had one stuck to both ears.

Now I have to go figure out if we have enough milk to feed the kids Lucky Charms for dinner cause there ain't nothing else left.

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