Turds Between The Toes!
There’s nothing like the feel of a warm chocolate chunky squishing up between your toes first thing in the morning to let you know you are off to a good start.
You know it’s going to be a great day when you wake up with dog crap decorating your bedroom floor LITERALLY from the bedroom door to the nightstand on the other side of the freakin room! Unfortunately, I’m not exaggerating people! It's like they were trying to redecorate the room by adding dark brown highlights to the carpet. I don’t know if they’ve been watching Chip and Joanna Gaines or what, but their taste in accessories is horrible!
Our dogs do not poop in the house, with the exception of an accident every now and then, but this, my friends, was no accident. This was a highly complex, planned assault that was carried out with extreme precision and tactical genius. This was a well thought out attack and there was a lot of anger behind the purpose of this mission.
Although I don't know which one actually carried out the attack, I know who planned it out; it was the short curly blonde one. It was my boy, my partner, my GOOD dog! It wasn’t difficult to figure out the mastermind behind this act of aggression though, the girl dog is about as smart as toe-jam. There is no way she could plan something like this, hell, she can’t stay sober long enough (just kidding, inside joke).
I think I know why my companion turned on me. Yesterday, I went and got the kids and I some Whataburger for lunch. While we were eating, I glanced over and saw the Tooterman feeding him French fries and I told him to stop. As soon as I did, I got an ice-cold, cutting glance from his miniature ass. He looked at me out the side of his head like my bride does when I accidentally delete one of her Real Housewives shows.
But this wasn’t just a normal crap-bomb attack, noooo.....apparently, he was so pissed at me that he actually saved some up and then dragged his furry little ass all around the carpet like he was drawing a giant poop picture! Looked like some kind of Banksy art project.
So, at 4:30 this morning, there I was, up in my pajamas steam-cleaning the carpet in the bedroom, cussing at dogs and threatening to feed them to the coyotes. At one point, I looked over and I swear I saw the little asshole smiling at me. When I finally finished cleaning the entire room full of carpet and I was wrapping up the cord of the steam-cleaner, I shot him a dirty look and do you know what the four-legged midget fart did? He turned around facing away from me and started stretching his front legs........which lifted his furry little ass up in the air toward me. HE GAVE ME THE BUTT! That's the K-9 version of "talk to the hand".
But let me tell you how arrogant and cocky this grasshopper-sized punk really is....when I came back in from putting the cleaner in the garage, he was sitting in front of the pantry door where he goes every morning to get his treat. HE REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM A TREAT AFTER ALL THAT!?!
But I’m getting real tired of the way I’m being treated around here by short people and short dogs too!